lessons from an old, grumpy british guy...

As I talked about in past letters, a few weeks ago I went on a trip to the Danakil Depression in Ethiopia.

It was a group tour, and everyone seemed open to bond and connect.

You know how it is when you’re with strangers—people introduce themselves, make small talk, and try to connect. But there was this one guy, an older British man, probably in his 60s ignoring everybody.

He didn’t say hello or engage with the group, looked annoyed, and walked away from the group, always wanting to be alone. He had this grumpy, closed attitude, and I remember thinking, 'I wonder what his deal is' 

In all honesty, probably the most closed person I ever came across (and I grew up in Germany… 😄).

Imagine somebody looks at you like this:

(that’s not him, I typed “old, grumpy, closed man” into google 🤣 )

So people started noticing him, and you could hear little whispers, like, 'What’s his problem?' or 'Why even come on a group trip if you don’t want to talk to anyone?' 

Some seemed annoyed with him, which made me even more curious, cause if I learned one thing during my psychology studies it is:

Everybody has a story. This rich inner world you have with your thoughts, emotions, and past experiences? Everybody has that rich inner life. That’s what makes people so interesting.

My curiosity couldn’t leave this one alone. So I decided to approach him.

It wasn’t a dramatic moment—I just walked up and said, 'Hey, how’s it going?' At first, he didn’t seem interested in talking, but I kept looking at him like this:

I mean come on, how could you not talk now?🤓 Surrender via smile 😎.

Sure enough, after a bit, he opened up and explained that when he booked the trip, he’d been told it would be a private tour. He thought it would be just him and a guide, which was what he wanted — peace and quiet.

Instead, he ended up in a group of 15 strangers, which was not what he signed up for. He wasn’t mad at us; he was frustrated with the situation. He poured out his frustration to me probably for about 10 minutes.

He shared a bit about himself—how much he loved traveling, how he’d been to over a 100 countries—and by the end of our chat, he said: “I appreciate you for coming and talking to me, sorry for being so grumpy, thank you for listening.”

After our conversation, people came up to me and asked, 'What did he say? What happened? What’s his story?'

And I just said: 'Yeah, he shared some great stories about his travels. He’s actually a really interesting guy.'

But he kept wanting to be alone. His attitude toward the group didn’t change much. One woman then said to me: “Well he should just open up and accept the situation.”

This is a weird concept to me…” he should…” I thought about it and it didn’t quite make sense to me…

So I said to her: “Everybody opens up on their own time. We cannot force opening or accepting. All we can do is be open and loving and wait for people to open up. He will open up on his own time.”

Somehow I had this extreme faith that he would open up. I don’t know why (probably because I’ve been listening to Ram Dass every day 🤣)

I don’t even feel like it was me who was talking - Through spiritual teachings, I learned that being radically open to everything and everyone is the way to truth. You don’t force people to accept, you focus on being present with them and acceptance will happen naturally.

And then over the next few days, something amazing happened…

Since I approached him, more and more people started to go up to him to talk and connect.

I watched from far, I didn’t even had the need anymore to talk to him, because I saw that this guy, who everyone labeled as 'grumpy' or 'antisocial,' started opening up.

He began joining group conversations, sharing his stories about his travels around the world. Often I wasn’t even part of these conversations. I was just watching this all unfold.

By the last night of the trip, he was laughing, joking, playing music, and leading the conversation. I remember thinking, 'Wow, this is the same guy who wouldn’t even say hello on day one. Now he is a superstar’

Then on our last lunch together as a group, I looked over my shoulder and saw people taking pictures with him. And he had the brightest smile on his face. He arrived. He was here. He was fully open and present.

In that moment I witnessed almost unbearable beauty.

I witnessed the closest guy I ever met transform into becoming the life of the party.

This taught me something I want to remember forever:

People open up in their own time, and we never know what someone’s going through until we ask. Instead of judging or making assumptions, patience, and kindness can go a long way. Be open toward all beings and people around you will open. 

Sending much love and openness to you,

Heythem

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