how to truly listen

Most people believe they are good listeners. And that only shows that we don’t know what listening means.

Because the truth is…if you:

• feel annoyed at people

• feel misunderstood or lonely

• feel drained after a conversation

• keep having the same arguments

• find yourself in a boring conversation

• are not satisfied with your relationships

• feel frustrated or impatient in conversations

These are all signs of not listening.

Yup. I was also shocked when I realized that I suck at listening… 🙂 (and still do sometimes)

Let me explain:

Annoyance, frustration, boredom - these are signs of not listening. Why?

The more we listen the more we understand people. And the more we understand people the less annoyance we will feel.

Annoyance is merely a symptom of ignorance. The more we understand why people act how they act, feel what they feel, and think what they think, the more compassion arises.

The same goes for boredom.

Feeling bored in a conversation means you’re not listening.

The more you listen the more interesting the conversation becomes. If we’d truly listen we’d see how almost unbearable interesting people are. So if you are bored in a conversation, you are the boring one.

So from that view, we conclude:

The antidote to all relationship issues is understanding.

Annoyance, boredom, frustration - these are symptoms of not paying attention.

The more we pay attention the more love, compassion, and connection we find. And if you think you are paying attention but can’t see the love then you’re just not looking close enough.

If we truly understand somebody, if we truly pay attention, if we see the world with their eyes, we will be filled with compassion and empathy. Pay attention and your heart becomes more open and engaged.

That’s truth.

So the natural law is:

The more you see the world through their eyes and feel what they feel the more healing takes place.

Because it’s through understanding that you find truth. And the more you see truth the more you heal.

So the ultimate goal in a conversation should ALWAYS be to understand your conversation partner.

See the world through their eyes and feel what they feel.

That’s what we want to achieve.

Because that’s where true compassion, connection, and love arises.

Having said that, that then also means that the goal of a conversation is NOT to:

• give advice

• fix their emotions

• prove you are right

• solve their problem

• wait until you can talk

• agree or disagree immediately

• rush through what they’re saying

• control the outcome of their situation

• impress them with your knowledge or experience

The goal of a conversation is to listen. That’s it!

Listen with empathy, full acceptance, and respect, and everybody involved will heal.

And I want to repeat it one more time so everybody understands:

If you want to help somebody DON’T focus on problem-solving or advice-giving.

The less you focus on advice giving the more your capacity for listening grows. Giving advice and solving the problem is not important.

I really mean this. We got it all wrong. Your urge to give advice comes from a place of “I know something that you don’t”.

But what do you know??

You don’t know what they feel, you haven’t had their life experiences, you haven’t taken the time to see the world through their eyes, to feel what they feel.

Before you have made the effort to understand, giving advice is pointless. Because the problem is not solved by fixing it for them or jumping right to the solution.

True healing takes place by understanding the issue. The more you see truth the more you heal.

So this has NOTHING to do with advice giving and all to do with listening.

In a conversation, you and your conversation partner want to explore the root core of the issue. Once we truly understand, we intuitively know what to do.

Understanding is the goal. Once you understand, healing takes place.

I hope that is clear now.

Don’t focus on advice-giving and problem-solving. Focus on listening, understanding, and paying attention.

So now the question is…how to listen? how to understand? how to pay attention?

Well luckily, the great Carl Rogers has the answer.

Carl Rogers is a genius Psychologist from the 20th century and wrote a complete guide to having healing conversations.

His Philosophy: The more you understand the healthier the relationship. 

He used this method with his clients, and many other Psychologists use his methods to this day.

Here’s the Complete Guide:

1. Reflective Listening

Most people don’t have clarity on their emotional states. So what you want to do is to point them out:

Aim to understand, restate, and clarify the other person's feelings, not just their facts or ideas.

Are they sad? Angry? Upset? Focus on the feeling behind their message and name it!

2. Paraphrasing

Repeat in your words what you interpret the other person said and focus on the emotions behind it.

Don’t ask follow-up questions, focus on what they said and try to say it back accurately with your own words.

Now you’re forced to be an engaged and attentive listener. And this makes people feel safe and understood.

And once a person feels safe, they will trust to go deeper with you and to be more vulnerable and honest about their current issue.

3. The Golden Rule of Summarizing

Summarizing is hands down the best technique to use when you’re having an argument or discussion.

The rule is:

Each person can speak up for themself only after they summarized the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately and to that speaker’s satisfaction.

If they don’t agree with your summary, make corrections until they do. Then you can speak and it’s their turn to summarize.

Summarizing eliminates misunderstanding and promotes understanding. And what did we say about understanding again? It heals everything.

4. Express your understanding

Most people feel misunderstood when stating their dissatisfaction. And that means you are not giving them the space to heal.

You can change that by validating the other person's feelings with statements like:

"I understand why…, I can see how…, It makes sense that…”

5. Empathy Statements

Empathy is the magic ingredient to deepen connections.

Aim to express empathy for their situation:

“This must be hard, this sounds like a lot to handle, you must feel very lonely...”

6. Unconditional Positive Regard

Okay listen up:

When we are caught in our drama of separateness we make REAL humans invisible to our hearts. They are characters in an upsetting movie - not loving, breathing humans.

To heal you need to see the inherent innocent goodness inside of them. Understand that they are inherently good and that their intention is not to hurt you.

Every human is “God in Drag” as Ram Dass would say. And God is love. See God in them and your unconditional positive regard arises naturally.

That’s it for today but I want to leave you with this:

To practice listening is to practice love. The more you listen the more you pay attention. The more you pay attention the more you show you care. And to care means to love.

If you want to be love, listen.

I love you all,

Heythem