A violent Congolese criminal confronted me

During my psychology studies, I had to complete an internship. I chose to work at a Psychological Center for Refugees. Needless to say - it was an intense experience.

I assisted in many therapy sessions with the lead therapist, and I met people whose stories left a deep impact on me. But one man in particular stood out. He taught me so much about life, judgment, and how to escape the danger of ignorance.

So let’s dive in:

This man was from Congo. He was around my age, maybe a little older—about 26 or 27 at the time (which made it even more intense, because I could see myself in him).

When he came to the center, he was quiet, stoic, didn’t say much. Then, during the therapy session, I ended up leading most of it because the main therapist didn’t speak French, and I did.

In that session, we started exploring why he was there, what had happened to him, and what was going on in his life. He began to tell his story…

He said he left Congo to come to Europe. He traveled with a group—his friends, cousins, relatives—they were all together.

But on the way, the boat they were on, sank. Everyone on the boat drowned, except for him. He survived because he could swim, and someone rescued him. He lost all his people on that journey.

Eventually, he made it to Germany. Completely alone, knowing everybody who was with him on that boat, drowned.

But by then, the trauma had caught up with him.

He started having symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He would get intense flashbacks to that night on the water, reliving it over and over. He couldn’t go near water anymore. The city we were in had a river, and he avoided it completely. He couldn’t sleep, no matter what he tried.

To cope, he started drinking—hard. One bottle of vodka a day, just to knock himself out and get some rest. The alcohol helped him sleep, but the alcohol, combined with his trauma, made him aggressive. He got into fights. He stole things. He got arrested four times.

When he talked about this, it hit me.

I started thinking, “What would I think if I saw a black guy on the street, drunk, stealing, and fighting?” 

Now seriously, if you’re reading this, picture it. What would you think if you saw him like that?

We’d judge him. Of course. We’d think of him as a bad person. But hearing his story made me realize how ignorant that judgment is.

Judging is ignorance.

I don’t know his story. I don’t know his pain. I don’t know what he has been through. By talking to him I understood what he’d been through, and I saw that his behavior wasn’t random or malicious. It was the result of deep, unprocessed trauma.

This doesn’t mean his actions are okay. If you hurt people, there have to be consequences. But it’s not about excusing behavior. It’s about understanding it.

And we do this all the time—judging people without knowing their story. Since talking to him I saw that we are doing it everywhere

We judge people we see on the street, on TV, in politics, in prison, who think differently from us—right-wing, left-wing, anyone who doesn’t fit into our worldview. But even worse, we judge people we don’t even know…we do it all the time, sometimes within seconds of seeing them.

We are in a constant pursuit of judging others and that’s what creates separation. When we are caught in our drama of separateness we dismiss people for being different:

• Alcoholics, drug addicts

• Different race or religion

• Different socioeconomic status

• Looks, behavior, ways of speaking

• Leftist, conservative, criminal, feminists

We use these differentiations to make REAL humans invisible to our hearts. They are characters in an upsetting movie - not loving, breathing humans.

And from a spiritual level, there’s no difference between separation and disease.

Create separateness in your heart and you will feel disconnected, depressed, anxious, and lonely. Create unity and you will feel the love, connection, and calmness that has been there all along waiting for you.

So the bottom line is:

Judgment is always a sign of ignorance. And ignorance creates all evil in this world. People who are destructive forces in the world are not evil. They are ignorant. They created so much separation that all they can see is hate.

This man’s story changed me. He confronted me by making me see how much I judge people unfairly due to my ignorance. It taught me that if I had lived his life, I probably would’ve ended up the same way (or even worse, I honestly admire him for still standing after what he went through) It showed me that the more we understand, the less we judge. And the less we judge the more our capacity for love grows.

Listen, pay attention, understand, and then you’ll be able to see the inherent innocence in people. And whenever we can’t see that innocence, it’s a sign we haven’t looked deep enough.

Think about the people you resent the most. Politicians, world leaders, family members, past bullies etc,…Understand that you don’t know their story and dwell in the space of love for them and all humans on earth. Because that’s how we heal.

We heal the world not by judging, but by trying to understand.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this - reply to this email and I get back to you. ❤️

With love,

Heythem

P.S.: I’m thinking of opening 1 mentoring spot for an upcoming writer who is determined to share their truth with the world. If you want to learn how to write content that connects with souls, makes people feel seen, builds the right audience for you, and attracts your tribe, reply to this e-mail with “Mentor” and I get back to you. And just for you to know: This is a different kind of mentoring. I’ve added 50,000+ followers to my clients, but the numbers are secondary. In my mentoring program, we use writing to get to know ourselves. To be a force in this world. To share what we truly believe in. So I will only choose the person who aligns with this goal. Much love and talk soon. ❤️